The last two weeks have been hairy. I am not going to deny it. See the thing is with suicide, nobody wants you to talk about it because it might make someone feel uncomfortable. But what happens if suicidality is the disease you live with? What if your days and weeks and months are eclipsed by the spectre that is suicide?
That is the reality of the Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer.
Some people say it gets easier. Some people say that it will go away. I have battled with it for 6 years now and it is not going away anytime soon. Nor does it get any easier. Surely tools will help? Sometimes. But sometimes it involves you lying in a fetal position on your bed willing yourself not to get up. Not to take those pills.
I am sorry that I may be making people feel uncomfortable by blogging about this but the truth is, it is a part of my life. Not a nice, happy part of my life (everybody loves those moments) but still, a part of my life.
I've hit a rut. Uni is not diverting my attention from my disorder in the way that I hoped that it would. Phil says that I am suffering from first-year angst. And I get it. Now.... It took four hours waiting in emergency to be told that there was no bed for me to keep me safe, before it finally sunk in. But it has. For now.
Uni is great. I am loving where I live. I am loving what I do. But this assessment task that I am preparing for threw me for six. I have discovered that I am not as smart as the average psychologist. That this is going to be an uphill battle. That I am going to have to work hard for my marks.
That was a shock. I really honestly thought that I would fly through this degree. Not so.
So this is where the rubber hits the road and that I have to put my axe to the grindstone, my nose to the wheel (why do you put your nose to a wheel?). But tonight for the first time in my entire struggle I found solace.
Tonight in Biblestudy we looked at Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. The study was on suffering. Why does God allow suffering? I thought I had that one down in spades and then something caught my eye.
34 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” (Mark 14:9)
Do you see that? Right there? When people have told me in the past that Jesus has gone before me I have internally rolled my eyes. What does Jesus know of my suffering? He lived a perfect life and yes he suffered physically... but Jesus never went mad.
Not so.... "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" Could it be? Did Jesus really suffer mentally? Was his suffering so great that he was looking for a way out? To the point of death?
I can't promise that I have miraculously turned a corner and that everything will be fine and dandy from here on in but I know that Jesus really did walk the path that I have worn into the ground. He HAS suffered the way I have. And lived through it. (Not long admittedly but the key is He wasn't defeated at this point!)
And maybe that's enough.