Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Recanting public posts

Facebook is an interesting tool for those who suffer from mental illness.

Particularly in my case.


It has now been confirmed that I have the incredible cocktail of Autism (ASD1) aand Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder). It has also been confirmed that Luke has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I want to first of all apologise for the incredible alarm bells that I hit for everyone about a week ago. I had been through hell with Luke - not because of anything he had done, but rather because I was in a full-blown panic state. At my very worst, I was terrified that Luke was a serial killer in the vein of Ivan Milat, at the least, that he was part of a terrorist plot seeking to bring down the Australian government by kidnapping and torturing my kids.

Luke, for his part, was doing the best with what he had, but his paranoia was leading him to a hypervigilant state where he was trying to control my illness. In PTSD, you feel a lack of control over your own trauma past so you try to control everything around you.

I also want to go on the record and apologise for any contact Luke may have made with you via your Facebook timeline. PTSD also has accompanying it, high anxiety which when pushed can turn to paranoia. Luke is now seeking treatment for this but in own panicked state, he read my Facebook posts and was just trying to clear his name in his own way.

I understand if the drama that has ensued over the past few weeks is too much for you. If you need to unfriend me on Facebook, I totally understand. I was discharged from South Coast Private which is the private mental health hospital on the South Coast and there I received incredible care. Luke is also being cared for by the doctors there as well.

My mental health rollercoaster has higher heights and lower lows - and we are now finally starting to understand why.

If you can, I beg you to be patient with me - but also with us. Luke has the heart of a lion and the soul of a teddy bear. We are working this through... But unfortunately the Black Dog has been off the leash for awhile now so it may take us some time yet to tame him.

Fi/xx


Sunday, June 18, 2017

The grace of God and Luke

So its been awhile… Two years in fact… Life is still full of ups and downs… That’s the reality of the Bipolar/BPD life.
 Take this past week for instance… On my fourth date with the most beautiful man (Luke) we drove to Campbelltown and caught the train into the city for the Vivid Festival. I had not picked up that I had been hyper-manic for almost a week. I had been dealing with re-emergent trauma memories, a lack of sleep, lack of food, dehydration and finally, on the night we went to Vivid, I forgot to take my evening meds.
 But the grace of God was with me. In the form of Luke… He did not miss a beat. As my brain sped up, he kept pace. When I passed out in Circular Quay, he stayed calm and gentle, guiding me to a chair to safely pass out on and then onto the floor so that my heart rate could be restored. He joked and chatted with the paramedics all the way to St Vincent’s hospital and as my leg and chin tremored (most likely a virus triggered by dehydration) and became convinced that I had a brain tumour, he remained calm and gentle. He didn’t even bat an eyelid when I claimed to be an R.N. to the nurses and doctors caring for me!
 He guided me safely back onto the train out of Sydney on Thursday morning; took me to Shellharbour hospital for assessment (unbeknownst to me). I actually thought that being at Shellharbour ED was a process of proving to me that I wasn’t sick and didn’t need medication! Then he drove me gently home, all the while keeping pace with my break-neck mental speed.
 That night, as I was taken by ambulance to Shoalhaven ED for assessment and transfer to Mirrabook, I was high as a kite. I was convinced that my best friend was the Holy Spirit, that Luke was Jesus and that I was God… Thankfully, Luke had collapsed into bed at home and was recovering before a 12 hour shift (he’s a taxi driver).
 I met with my sister today, whom Luke had several conversations with over the course of 48hours while I was at my worst. Ames pointed out that this is as bad as I get and that if he could handle this then he could pretty much handle anything that my mental illness could dish out. I haven’t been this sick since my manic episode in 2012.
 The world is once again righting itself now that my sleep, energy and zeldox levels have been restored…

And Luke?

He’s sticking around for a while yet 😉